Hi,

Prompted by friends and family, I just created a Facebook profile. I love it! Please look me up, I’d love to “connect” with you on Facebook.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1450830749

It has come to my attention that some humor magazine aimed at young people has included Pets or Food in a list of “hoax” sites. Much like Barack Obama’s much rumored “secret Muslim” religious affinity, Pets or Food being a hoax site is one of those perennial Internet rumors that prove very difficult to put down.

I suspect that some members of PETA or the ASPCA or possibly even Safeway are responsible for the ongoing mongering of this particular rumor in an attempt to dissuade potential shoppers from making purchases with us.

It is this kind of perfidious attack an our life’s work here at Pets or Food that makes me wish that the anonymous internet didn’t exist. But it does, so we fight back. Let me just say again, and for the record, Pets or Food is a real web site. We ship tons of animals across America every week. In fact, we just delivered a special shipment of racoons and opposums to Denver so that Bill Clinton could enjoy some “down home vittles” as his handlers put it. This may just be another Internet rumor, but as I understand it, former President Clinton seems to think that Barack has a recipe for racoon and is planning to prepare some for him the night of former President Clinton’s address to the convention. I doubt it, but with a Clinton, you never know.

Dear valued customers,

We are planning to introduce some new products to Pets or Food and I wanted to get your opinions on what you might like to see from us. We’ve already begun the product development phase, but can’t decide which one to introduce first. Here are our options:

Meerkat

Due to the popularity of Meerkat Manor on Animal Planet, we have received a lot of request for the diminutive critters. On the pet side, they are very affectionate, much like a ferret in many ways. We have not successfully house broken one, so it is best to keep them in a large cage. On the food side, they taste quite a bit like possum, with less meat. 

Meerkat mushroom gravy, for which we have developed a very easy to follow recipe, is deliriously good.

Zonkey

The Zonkey is a cross between a Zebra and Donkey. Like the Mule, the Zonkey is not capable of breeding, so these hybrid species are very rare.

Zebras and Zonkeys are both part of the horse family, so it is no surprise that the Zonkey has a temperament much like a horse, and is more or less amenable to human contact based on its previous contact with people. They make great novelty steeds at your local stable. On the culinary side, Zonkey is leaner than horse meat and provides very exclusive bragging rights. 

Wallaroo

The Wallaroo is a marsupial that is very similar to a wallaby or kangaroo and a medium sized critter in between the wallaby and kangaroo. Wallaroos are very friendly and a “just right” size both as a pet, because they aren’t going to eat you out of house and home or require large areas to occupy, and as a main dish, because the Wallaroo has a great deal of meat relative to the size.

We are fortunate to have found several Washington farms who can supply us with fresh, organically fed Wallaroo.  

So, what do you think? Which of these delightful animals should come on as our new product?

Here at Pets or Food, we only recently instituted the ability for our consumers to leave feedback via a comment system. Our hope was that we would get valuable insight into the thoughts and desires of our customers. Like many well intentioned business ideas dreamed up by MBAs, this hasn’t exactly been the result. 

Instead, I have been called names, the business itself has been insulted, and a gentleman threatened my life. This particular fellow who thinks offering to kill people online is a good idea lives in the Salt Lake area. How do we know this? We logged his IP address when he made his comment. We turned this IP address over to the FBI, who in turn is working with this gentleman’s ISP to get his real name and address. 

Now, I am as red blooded, God loving, all American as it gets. I value free speech and my right to pack heat. But it saddens me that hate spewing, vitriol stirring talk radio people like Rush Limbaugh and Al Franken have brought civil discourse to such a low in our country that the only way the pathetic misanthrope from Utah can express his disagreement with our legal, thriving business is with violence. 

Today I fired the MBA who said we’d get “valuable insight.” I lit a candle and said a prayer for the clearly maladjusted social misfit from the land of bigamy. And I left up our comment system. Because I value free speech. And if the rantings of a would be stalker/murderer bring a few people to our site, who might also be interested in one of our specials like the 6 pack of hamsters, well God bless the free market, God bless the constitution, and God bless our incisors that enable us to eat meat! 

Thank you and happy noshing.

Sidney

An employee recently forwarded me a link to an advocacy site called Down With Pinatas. It seems that people take what should be a harmless endeavor like whacking a pinata too far. The blogger points to instances of gang members using pinatas as recruiting tools. The blogger himself is a victim of “pinata related violence.”

It has certainly dissuaded me from planning any pinata parties.